Explaining a horror icon or how to fuck up a film series you love! - Part 2: Michael Myers

Many fans felt that Jason Goes to Hell scored an own goal by barely featuring Jason in it. However at least Jason was still the killer though he was unrecognizable and missing his trademark hockey mask. Would Darth Vader have the same impact if he spent most of the film unmasked?

I bet he sparkles in sunlight also

Halloween III: The Season of the Witch go one step further. They remove Michael Myers as the killer and include something about killer masks that may or may not have involved Jim Carey. But that’s fine because he’s dead right? He burned to a crisp at the end of the second film. Although Myers was the personification of evil he was still a man and like most men a little fire intolerant.

John Carpenter didn’t want a slew of Michael Myers films, and only agreed to the have any involvement in the third film if it would not be a direct sequel to Halloween II. After pissing off their fan base by removing the only bankable asset of the growing franchise and giving it a title that had nothing to do with the plot, the studio opted to bring The Shape back “from the dead” for the imaginatively titled The Return of Michael Myers...and piss the fans off in a completely knew and inventive way.

The undisputed master of sacrilege

Like the previous films, Michael is after his living family members, this time in the form of his niece. Insulting as it is that Michael is outsmarted by a child for The Return of Michael Myers and follow up The Revenge of Michael Myers, they humiliate him further by arresting him and throwing him in towards the end of the 5^th film. Although proven to be an indestructible killing machine, Michael appears to be incredibly respectful of the law. By the end of number 6's The Curse of Michael Myers, it’s evident the filmmakers don’t respect anyone.

Dr Loomis hit the nail on the head when he describes Myers as the embodiment of evil, he couldn’t really explain why. And who cared? Well, the makers of The Curse of Michael Myers it would seem as it turns out

“Michael has been under the influence of evil representing an ancient rune symbol called Thorn, that druid astronomers claimed was originated from a constellation of stars that appear from time to time on Halloween night. It is an ancient Druid curse that represented a demon that spread sickness and caused destruction among druid tribes. In order to prevent this, each tribe had to inflict the curse on one child, so each child could offer the blood sacrifice of its next of kin on the night of Samhain (Halloween); a motivation of why Michael is trying to kill his family”.

The phrase what and the utter fuck? spring to mind. It gets worse when it is revealed that Michael’s been hanging about with some cult that are planning on harnessing his evil by genetically engineering babies making mini Michael Myers for some sort of evil army. This is the equivalent of the producers perfoming bukkake onto the cinema goers.

Sorry, but we just can't let this go George

It’s awful, so awful in fact that when Halloween H2O is released, they pretend that Michael has been missing from the end of the 2^nd film and in effect removing the bastard storyline from continuity. That gave the filmmakers free reign to churn out more sequels without having to worry about plot, story or credibility whatsoever.

Arguable a more worthy adversary than a 7 year old

But don't worry, they haven't stopped there. Now that 3D is certain to squeeze some extra money from the punters, why not have a Halloween 3D. Plot, director, script? Who cares, it's in 3D, and 3D films cost us extra to go see!

As for Rob Zombie's films, they can fuck right off.

Explaining a horror icon or how to fuck up a film series you love! - Part 1: Jason Voorhees

*Contains Spoilers*

If Hollywood has taught us anything, is that it likes sequels/reboots/remakes/reimaginings, basically anything that doesn’t involve an original idea. For every Inception we’re blessed with, we’re subjected to a weekly Saw film. Not that all of the above are necessarily bad things. The Dark Knight was a sequel spawned off the back of a reboot. Then again maybe Nolan is in fact Jesus afterall.

On the set of Memento

Regardless, Hollywood doesn’t know when to say stop most of the time, and in doing so has managed to ruin many a great character by their constant toying with them. None more so than the movie maniac! What makes these villains so great is they have unexplained supernatural power. This is a film after all, who gives a fuck if it’s not plausible. Well, the writers of sequels it would seem.

Jason Voorhees – Friday the 13th

The premise of the original Friday the 13th was simple. Retarded child drowns while councillors opt to fuck each other and smoke weed. Said child’s mother exacts revenge only to have her head cut off for her troubles. Child turns out not to be dead but was in fact living (probably) in the woods the whole time and avenges his mother by killing everyone brain damaged enough to go near the lake. Able to take a shit load of punishment, he proves difficult to kill enabling many sequels to then follow.

It's all about the art!

Until Jason goes to Hell – the Final Friday. Now it can be argued that Jason was always just a man (though a very fucking hard one to kill) up until Part 6, when he becomes was is affectionately known as the “zombie Jason”. See Jason died at the end of Part 4, killed by Corey Feldman who would later continue his bloodbath by killing his own career. But he dies at the end of all the films you say, true but at the end of 4 he was dead, really dead, the films series intended to be done. Skip past 5 where the killer is a copycat (seriously), Part 6 – Jason Lives has Jason resurrected by a bolt of lightning and now ten times more stronger than before. This however is fine, if films have taught us anything it’s that lightning is the bringer of life.

Skynet had a lot to learn

In Part 9 (the Final Friday part deux) however they attempt to explain further why Jason is so powerful. It’s because Jason isn’t really what we think he is. He’s not a person, technically he’s a demon but more literally he’s a parasite that can latch himself onto any living person once his own body is destroyed and possess them. This ingenious plot point enables the filmmakers to have a Jason film that Jason is hardly in, well as we recognise him anyway. Because we all know there is no greater way to continue a franchise than by removing the iconic image of its main protagonist for most of the film.

Jason transferring his soul by kissing someone.  Makes Jason X look like the Godfather by comparison

Food for thought

Lead us not into temptation. We are too weak as a race to resist. Dangle the apple in front of us and watch us race to the finish line, trampling in those weaker for the prize. Is the prize even that great? The apple contained knowledge and knowledge is power. A power God apparently didn’t want us to have. A huge part of the blame lies with the snake according to the bible. Lest we forget it is he who tempts Eve. Eve also gets punished for eating the apple, and in turn tempting Adam to do it also. Yet God appears to escape any culpability. He did plant the tree after all, and for what reason other than to tempt his children? Especially when he must’ve known that they would eat from the tree, being omniscient. Was the snake nothing more than a pawn in this game? A scapegoat, to shift the blame from the true culprit? Is the Devil really a pawn? He turned on god by refusing to be subservient to Adam. Pride is a sin yes; however did it warrant an all out war in Heaven? I suppose going to war is fine if you know the outcome. And God knew the outcome. He knew Michael would defeat Lucifer and cast him down. This act created the Devil, the adversary of God. The opposite of good, the epitome of evil. Because he wouldn’t bow to man. Yet man bows to god, as do the Angels. Who does God bow to? Still, the validity of these stories to begin with is disputed. A benevolent and loving God, (though isn’t that how the deity who casts us to hell, floods the earth, turns father against son, sacrifices his only son) doesn’t put as much fear on people now does it. The idea a devil though, gives us reason to be fearful. As does an all powerful God that will damn you for listening, and following his enemy. An enemy that was created by his decision to choose. To have freewill. Mankind has been blessed with freewill, only thing is we’re told of the consequences should we make the wrong choice. We’re walking a tightrope and we’re being pushed on both sides. It’s difficult to retain our balance, but that’s ok. Don’t worry if you fall, you may find there is nothing to fear. As long as you believe in yourself and don’t hurt those around you, what has anyone to fear? If people were to wake up and stop living in fear, the forces that create that fear would no longer have control. One at a time we can make the difference. Fear is the most powerful weapon that we have created for ourselves. Without that fear what would people do? Live in peace and harmony? Terrifying concept isn’t it? Is it so difficult to open our eyes to the world that is in front of us? Lift up the veil and look at the real Gods and Devils of this world. The ones that control with fear. The ones you see on television and read about in the papers. The ones you’re voting for. Carefully constructed fear over thousands of years won’t be easy to tear down. But in time it can be dismantled. The revolution’s begun people, it’s up to you if you want to join it, otherwise take the rope that’s been handed to you. There’s enough for everyone.

Heroes and Villains

Set the stage


Pen the play

Everyone attend their role

There is one for us all

Protagonist or secondary

Will you support?

Extras have their say however

It is not you that wields the pen

The final act is long gone, for I

Refuse to play the villain

In your twisted fantasy

Serve the public trust

“Serve the public trust. Protect the innocent. Uphold the law” Three directives that Robocop lived by. There was a fourth one that was “Classified”. We soon learn that this directive prevents him from turning on any member of OCP. However I was very young when I first saw Robocop and didn’t know what classified meant so I just attributed the word to what happened to him when he tried to arrest main baddie Dick Jones. It’s not until Robocop 3 that directive four is no longer classified, but instead appears on screen when we, the viewer, see in Robo vision. No one gave a shit by then as the truly terrible film hit an all time low when Murphy (sans Peter Weller) learned how to fly.

Classified was indeed a big word for someone whose age hadn’t even reached double figures yet. Thankfully the plot was pretty straightforward, good guy cop gets brutally murdered only to come back from the dead as a machine and exact his bloody revenge on the most horrendous bunch of criminals the eighties could produce. Even children's cartoons had their fair share of villains, however as much a bastard as Mumm-ra was he drew the line at blasting Liono’s hand off with a shotgun while Slithe and Jackalmen stood about laughing.

The Eye of Thundera didn't see this shit coming

Actually, why the hell was I watching Robocop at such at a young age? Arguably it still stands as one of the most brutal and violent films ever made so what made him so what made him so marketable to kids? I suppose the main thing about Robocop was his look. If ever a character was designed to be an eighties toy it was this guy. As the film was clearly intended for adults an animated series was released where the violence was considerably toned down, most notably firearms being replaced by lasers (because it 80's cartoons taught us anything it was that lasers were cool and more non violent than real guns).

Seriously, what the fuck?

In 1994 Robo was repackaged as a TV show aimed at a younger audience. The key difference between this Murphy and the original was that he never killed anyone opting to instead use non lethal force and actually arrest the bad guys. Recurring characters were a good thing because who want to buy a toy of someone who gets killed easily?Robo would often shoot the scenery, often causing it to fall on the bad guys, neutralising them that way. It was ridiculous, but I was still young enough to like it plus it was better than the fucking Roboteer, streaming through the air in his Jet Pack that was probably only attached to him to sell more action figures.

Not that Robocop was alone in the inappropriate toys for kids game. His cyborg cousin the Terminator got his own range off the back of Terminator 2 – Judgement day. I was too young to remember how they marketed these toys, I do remember having an Arnie figure that came with a detachable rocket launcher for an arm. I never liked this accessory as it made no sense, but hey I’m not supposed to have seen the film so what the fuck should I know about faithful representation? At least the team behind Robocop neutered their product for children, the people behind Terminator did no such thing. No animated series followed, they didn't seem to care if you had seen the film. Just buy the fucking toy.

Having toys about machines that killed people is one thing but there was one children’s toy that really pushed the boat out so far that you felt lke you were in Waterworld. The Freddy Krueger fancy dress for kids? When everyone else is dressed like a Ninja Turtle or their favourite Ghostbuster, you can be the envy of all your friends by celebrating Halloween as the dead incarnation of a murdered child killer. At least Robocop was the good guy.

Child Killiing fun for all the family

Defeat and Sacrifice

The edge looms nearer
Beyond it the abyss of my soul
The final toll
Of my mind
Obscured visions nothing is clearer
Than the paranoia that plagues me
I am forced to see
To seek a final release
An existence of not caring
No emotion on my wearing
Hart which will blacken
If I’m to find peace.
The sacrifice of my soul
Or at least a part
That all is good
All is kind fades
Hope in despair
Nothing left to tear
Nothing left of me
Nothing but what you see

Your own Personal demon....

They take the form of flesh
My demons haunt me
Once were you, now as them
Laughing as they cut my heart
Devoid of souls all can see

Remorseless they enjoy if at all care
The suffering and pain
Continually sticking pins
Scars not allowed healing
Cruelty and despair thy name

Prolong the agony by creating a fantasy
Leave me broken, toy with the end
Will you release me? Cycle
Am I damned in a nightmare? Eternal
Not allowing my heart to mend

Shall the tables turn where do I stand?
Does revenge fuel me or am I numb
To the emotions I have already wasted on the
Demons that will forever inhabit my mind
And imprison me for their fun

I am not as weak as you would like
That which does not destroy me shall destroy you
Do not waste your suffering, keep it for yourself
For I have Angels on my side
I have the friends I call true.